Unprofessional Emails

What's the prob-Lem


From: *******, Lem
Sent: Thursday, December 16, 2010 9:04 AM
To: Trojanowski, David
Subject: w/e 11/27 invoices

Dave,

Per my voicemail, please call me back at your earliest convenience. There is an issue with the invoices you sent me for w/e 11/27. I also need you to let me know if there are any outstanding invoices remaining for **********.

Kind Regards,

Lem *******
T 248 *** **** | F 248 *** **** |

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From: Trojanowski, David
Sent: Thursday, December 16, 2010 9:49 AM
To: *******, Lem
Subject: RE: w/e 11/27 invoices

Lem!

What's happening my man? I feel like we haven't talked since the last time we talked. And by "talked" I mean exchanged nonsensical emails with each other. And by "exchanged" I mean that I sent the nonsensical emails to you and you received them and sent back normal emails to me.

You don't have to get all formal with me, Lem: "Per my voicemail," "...at your earliest convenience." We're pals. Pals don't talk like that. A pal would say, "Hey man, why don't you ever answer your phone? Call me back, bro*." Plus, you should know by now that I am going to make up some excuse as to why I cannot call you back on the phone. However, this time I will not make an excuse at all. The reason I am not calling you back on the phone is because I simply don't want to. I would rather write another long, absurd email to you because it passes the time and is better than doing actual work. I am also writing you an email because I secretly think you enjoy the nonsense that I come up with.

There are a few terrific invoices and several great invoices remaining, but no outstanding invoices for **********.

As to the other invoices you speak of, what seems to be the prob-Lem**?

*Also acceptable: bra, brah, breh, or broski. Or if you really wanted to get creative, you could have said, "Call me back, Brojanowski." I totally would have lol'd at that except I would not have said lol to that because I refuse to say that.

**Wordplay

Brotherly Regards,

Dave Brojanowski
Tel: 410.***.****
Fax: 410.***.****

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From: *******, Lem
Sent: Thursday, December 16, 2010 11:22 AM
To: Trojanowski, David
Subject: RE: w/e 11/27 invoices

Dave,

I apologize for my professionalism, bro. I am curious as to how you have not been fired yet lol (sorry for saying lol).

You did not include the timecards for any of the invoices for w/e 11/27 and for Charles *****'s invoice, you need to correct it to reflect 40 REG hours and 8 OT hours. I really need these fixed by the end of the day. Thanks.

Kind Regards,

Lem *******
T 248 *** **** | F 248 *** **** |

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From: Trojanowski, David
Sent: Thursday, December 16, 2010 1:10 PM
To: *******, Lem Subject: RE: w/e 11/27 invoices

Lem,

You have no idea how proud I am of you for cracking some jokes in a work email. I feel like a father who just witnessed his son hit his first homerun in a little league baseball game*.

I don't really know how I haven't been fired yet, but let me tell you a little secret: tomorrow is my last day at this job. I haven't told anyone yet, so keep your yap shut. Please.

I'll get you those invoices later but first I am going to type up my letter of resignation. I'll send it to you when I'm done and you can proofread it for me?

*My dad never experienced this with me because I only played two years of tee ball, and I was a pitcher so I didn't get a chance to hit much (except during interleague tee ball play). But he did see me win the championship when I was 6. I went 3 strong innings and only gave up 17 runs en route to a 23-21 victory. I was untouchable that day. The way I was placing the ball on the tee was like nothing anyone had ever seen before. I don't mean to brag, but it's been called the greatest tee ball pitching performance of 1993 by a few people.

Proud Fatherly Regards,

Dave Trojanowski
Tel: 410.***.****
Fax: 410.***.****

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From: *******, Lem
Sent: Thursday, December 16, 2010 1:23 PM
To: Trojanowski, David
Subject: RE: w/e 11/27 invoices

Seriously? Did you take a job somewhere else?

Kind Regards,

Lem *******
T 248 *** **** | F 248 *** **** |

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From: Trojanowski, David
Sent: Thursday, December 16, 2010 2:06 PM
To: *******, Lem
Subject: RE: w/e 11/27 invoices

Lem,

Nope. Hello early retirement!

I originally got into the invoicing game for the chicks, and quite frankly, I've been swimming in it ever since I started working here. At first, I loved the fast-paced, rock-n-roll lifestyle of being a bill collector. I mean, who wouldn't? The glitz, the glamour...it was all so new to me. The late night booze fests with dozens of models, the free tickets to any sporting event of my choice, the trips to some of the most exotic counties in Maryland - I was essentially living the life of Gene Simmons. And making some serious coin too (low to mid 5 figures). Recently though, I've been thinking that it might be time to settle down. I have found myself asking my...self if there is more to life than just making boat loads of money and having beautiful women throw themselves at me constantly. But every time I ask myself this question, I usually get distracted by a beautiful woman who is covered in money, so I have not answered this question yet. I'm thinking that yes, there is more to life than this, which is why I'm quitting tomorrow. Can you answer that question for me, Lem? Am I making the right move?

Some Kind of Regards,

Dave Trojanowski
Tel: 410.***.****
Fax: 410.***.****

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From: *******, Lem
Sent: Thursday, December 16, 2010 2:16 PM
To: Trojanowski, David
Subject: RE: w/e 11/27 invoices

I can't tell if you are being serious about quitting or not. Why don't you send me the corrected invoices first and then tell me what you are actually going to do if in fact you are quitting.

Kind Regards,

Lem *******
T 248 *** **** | F 248 *** **** |

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From: Trojanowski, David
Sent: Thursday, December 16, 2010 3:29 PM
To: *******, Lem
Subject: RE: w/e 11/27 invoices

Lem,

Boom. Invoices are attached.

Seriously though, here is my plan. I think I am going to go to law school. I watched "A Few Good Men" the other night and I think it would be cool to be a hotshot lawyer like Tom Cruise. "OBJECTION! Objection, your honor." "Please strike that off the record." These are things that I will say when I am in the courtroom. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client is innocent!" That's another one I'll say.

People always say how hard law school is and how tough it is to be a lawyer, but I don't think that's going to be the case. I've seen enough movies to know that really all I will have to do is wear a nice suit, slick my hair back, and act like I know what I'm talking about. When I question a bad guy on the witness stand, I know exactly what I'm going to do. I'll find some obscure fact to prove that some part of his testimony is false and I'll use that fact against him on the stand*. He'll think he is answering my questions perfectly and then right as it looks like I'm not going to win the case, I'll go, "Just one more thing. What about when you said...(part of his testimony)." And he'll say, "Yeah, what about it?" I'll say, "Well, that can't be true because of this...(obscure fact proving that he is lying)." His face will turn pale (he knows I got 'em). There will be a gasp in the courtroom (everyone knows I got 'em). The judge will be in awe (he knows I got 'em). Then I will turn to the judge and say, "No further questions." I don't see what's so hard about any of that.

So that's my plan. It's going to be pretty cool making boat loads of money being a lawyer. I'll probably have beautiful women throwing themselves at me too, which will be nice.

*I will most likely find this obscure fact during a montage sequence where my legal team and I are staying up real late one night going over the case and one of us says, "Hey, wait a second. What about this...(talking about the obscure fact that we just pieced together)." And then we all will look at each other and know that we got 'em. We got 'em.

Regards,

Dave Trojanowski
Tel: 410.***.****
Fax: 410.***.****

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From: *******, Lem
Sent: Thursday, December 16, 2010 3:41 PM
To: Trojanowski, David
Subject: RE: w/e 11/27 invoices

Thanks Dave. Haha good luck with the whole lawyer thing if that is actually what you end up doing.

Kind Regards,

Lem *******
T 248 *** **** | F 248 *** **** |

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From: Trojanowski, David
Sent: Thursday, December 16, 2010 4:48 PM
To: *******, Lem
Subject: RE: w/e 11/27 invoices

Lem,

Thanks buddy. In 3 years or so, if you ever find yourself in need of a good lawyer, do not hesitate to call me. I'll probably know a lot of good lawyers I could refer you to.

I've copied and pasted my resignation letter below. Tell me what you think of it.

Dear Mr. *****,

      I am writing this letter to inform you that I am resigning from this job effective immediately. I came to this decision yesterday when I purchased some stale Boston Baked Beans from the vending machine by the kitchen. They were very stale. This was the fourth time in the last month that I have purchased stale Boston Baked Beans from that very same vending machine. The first time they were stale, I just let it go. "Let it go," I told myself. But, the second time? I did not let it go. "Don't let it go this time," I told myself. So I wrote on a post-it, "The Boston Baked Beans have been stale on NUMEROUS occasions. Please stock the vending machines with FRESH Boston Baked Beans." I put the post-it on the vending machine so the vending machine guy (or girl) could see it. The next day, I enjoyed some of the freshest Boston Baked Beans I have ever had. The day after that? More fresh Boston Baked Beans. The day after that? It was Saturday, so I did not come in to work that day.

      A few days later, I purchased another packet of stale Boston Baked Beans. I was crestfallen. This time, I typed a letter (courier new font) explaining the situation and TAPED it to the vending machine. The days following the letter? Fresh, fresh, Saturday, etc. But then, yesterday was the final straw. Upon purchasing my fourth packet of stale Boston Baked Beans, I decided that I could no longer work for a company who treats its employees in such a way. If I continued to work for a company like this, I would be compromising my morals, my integrity, myself.

I thank you for the opportunity to further my career in the invoicing game and wish you the best of luck.

With the deepest of regret and sarcasm,

Dave Trojanowski

Dave Trojanowski
Tel: 410.***.****
Fax: 410.***.****

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From: *******, Lem
Sent: Thursday, December 16, 2010 5:14 PM
To: Trojanowski, David
Subject: RE: w/e 11/27 invoices

It's perfect.

Kind Regards,

Lem *******
T 248 *** **** | F 248 *** **** |


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